My Brain, My Brain: time for a eulogy

My brain has significantly deteriorated since May 17 2020

The mess that is my brain now. Or so it seems. Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Trying to get back on track, and realized this morning (sorry, afternoon) as I tried to write here, the damage to my brain from the stroke I had last May is worse than I thought.

One of two things (or both) happen when I try to use my words. One is far worse than the other.

Losing words.

Well, this used to happen to me a lot before because of my ADHD and the drugs I have to take so I can actually have something resembling a life. But nothing like it is now.

Nonetheless, it’s something my computer can help me with. Back in the day when the only cognitive roadblock was my ADHD, I learned that the best thing for me to do is to put a word into the search box (well, bacl then it was actually a dictionary) that is as close as possible to what I’m looking for. Sometimes it will take a whole descriptive sentence. But eventually something will come to me — if not what I was looking for, then one perhaps even better.

When I’m speaking and I lose words, I speak around them, sometimes even telling a story to suggest what I meant. And I laugh at myself, and everyone laughs with me. The laughter helps me to feel less alone…and less afraid for my future.

But here, in the silence of my study, where the only being who seeks my company is my cat, while I try to make contact with the outside world. It brings me to tears.